The Sarcastic Guide To Web Design and Development - Part 1

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Categories: Web Design

There are a handful of rules that will automatically place in the rungs of “All-Star Web Designer and Developer”. It is my objective to share these with you.

1 - You Are Always Right
The client never knows what the client wants. It’s up to you to tell them. If they disagree with you, it’s because they just plain don’t know what they’re talking about. In the event that client may think that they’re right, it’s up to you to raise your voice and threaten to take them to court so that you can push your way of thinking. If at all possible, belittle any ideas the client puts forth.

2 - Design For Your Browser
There’s only so much time you can spend on developing a website. Develop your website so that it’s optimized only for the browser that you use. In the event that the client or their users use a different browser, it’s simply not your problem. Suggest that they use the same browser you do. Another suggestion would be to include a message such as “The site was optimized for Mozilla Firefox” in the footer of your website.

3 - When Someone Critiques Your Design, They Are Personally Attacking You
That’s right. If a client say that they have a problem with your design, that should be interpreted as them having a problem with you. The design was never an issue. To deal with such a situation, you should rebuff the client’s comments with “Nuh uh, you’re the one you isn’t reaching the target demographic“, or “Why don’t you move YOUR header graphic 10 pixels higher“. In the event that these comments draw blank stares, follow-up with calling the client a “doodie-head”.

4 - CSS Is Too Much Work
Why go through the trouble of coding CSS and typing out all sorts of complicated characters that require using the SHIFT button on your keyboard, such as { and } when you can splice up designs in tables? In Photoshop, lay out your guides, export as HTML, and you’re done. If additional tweaking needs to be done, use Font tags.

5 - Using Adobe Flash Frivolously Is a Must
No site is complete without something bouncing or moving everywhere on the user’s screen. This means that the client and company will be perceived as being hip and professional. Some uses include:

Splash Page animations. Tip: Don’t implement a Skip Intro button, we don’t want to ruin the immersion experience.
Logo animation. Consider rotating or fading the client’s logo in and out. If possible, incorporate movement.

Here are a few bonus tips to make your Flash piece everything your client has ever imagined:

Be sure not to ease animation. Animations should look inorganic. Besides, you’re not a movie editor or a producer, you’re a web person.
Keep the FPS low. You don’t want to overload the Windows 95 machines that are still around.
Keep things moving. If at any given time, something on the website isn’t moving, you’ve done something wrong.

That’s all for now. Hope that the article wasn’t too out of the ordinary.